All day today; sitting, sitting, sitting, doing nothing more than sitting in the prison that is my Capstone senior project. It is due in one week and this Thanksgiving break is the only chance I have of writing down as many words in a way that makes sense before I have to return to school responsibilities.
What do I feel as this impending doom has accompanied me everywhere for the last month and a half? I'm at the end of my mental rope. My body feels weary, it feels like it has been fighting against the confines of four walls for hours. The space behind my eyes pounds, there is a consistent lump in my esophagus, and butterflies with sharp steel wings cutting into my gut as I sit here and write.
Am I made to feel this miserable? This fucking class that stands between me and a fucking piece of paper that says "HEY KID YOU MADE IT! NOW TRY AS HARD AS YOU FUCKING CAN TO FIND A MEANINGLESS JOB (because you still don't know what the hell you want to do with your pathetic excuse for a life) AND PAY BACK ALL THE RIDICULOUS SUMS OF MONEY YOU OWE FOR A MEDIOCRE EDUCATION AT A PRIVATE CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY!"
And then I inhale the disgusting blend of tobacco and nicotine and exhale. My veins constrict, air flows more slowly to my brain, and a rush of relaxation comes over my body as I desperately seek comfort. Any comfort! Comfort from knowing and experiencing what a failure at life I truly am. People that care for me say, you're not a failure! Really? Tell me how I am not. A senior in university without honors, not even sure if I will graduate on time because of this fucking capstone shit, and I still have no idea what profession I will pursue. A senior in university who wasted 55 months (THAT'S 4.5 YEARS!!!!!) of her pathetic short life in a horribly abusive relationship.
Sure, I can be nice to people. I can care about them. I listen to others, try to quell their pain or satisfy their needs. SO WHAT. How is that valuable at this moment as I sit in this damn cafe trying to write a Capstone for a dick professor?
Maybe I just have a hard time seeing what the bigger picture is. Maybe I'm supposed to be subservient to others forever.
Is it really being nice or have I turned into a dog that's been abused? A dog that's been kicked and punched and yelled at for so long that it will do absolutely anything to gain love, approval, and care from another being?
